What? I didn’t say anything, at least I thought I didn’t. Did I? I guess those voices must be up to their old tricks again. Oh well, I’ll try to ignore them. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll just try to ignore them.
Boy, this waiting room is small. I hope they come for me soon. Oh, I’m sure they will. But it’s already been thirty minutes, you know! Patience, Peter, patience. I know, calm, remain in control. I feel so shaky though. Stop it! You’re always so fidgety. Nice picture that is. Hey, it’s a Dali. His stuff is always so bizarre, but I guess that’s just a matter of perspective. People say that I’m bizarre and I guess that’s their perspective also.
Well, they say she comes on a pale horse, but I’m sure I hear a train. There I go slipping into old songs again. Hmmm I suppose ‘74 isn’t that old. I wonder when that Dali was painted. ‘57 with giraffes on fire and everything. I’ve always wondered what inspired artists to create paintings like that…A picture so full of distortion. I wonder, maybe this was the way he saw life. Do you think? I sometimes get those fantastic ideas too, but mine never come out that way. Anyway, I’m sure he painted that way for some reason and that’s just how it’ll stay forever.
Still waiting. These doctors really make you wait, don’t they? Sit, sit, sit that’s all I ever do. I don’t want to sit anymore! What if they never come out for me? Yeah and what’ll happen if they’ve forgotten all about me? I can’t stay here forever, can I? Mom! Now now Peter, don’t worry. Mom told you she’d picked you up when it was all over. Didn’t she? Yes, she did, but I’m scared. Th-the silence might come. Okay okay, I understand, but working yourself up over it won’t help you. I know, but…You need to get ahold of yourself. It’ll all be over soon. Just mellow out. Breathe…there you go…breathe…deeper. Better now? I think so.
La la la hum dee dum. The door at the entryway is opening. Why does she have to come in and join me? Can’t she see I want to be alone? Please don’t sit near me! Hmmm she does move beautifully though. Maybe I should speak to her? Fool, what can one stranger say to another…stranger ? Maybe I could smile? But you don’t even want her in here! I know I know. So what do I do if she speaks to me? I might tense up and she’ll laugh at me. Oh, come on, she’s a perfect stranger. Why would she want to hurt you? I dunno. But they all seem like they’re going hurt me. Silence hurts you. I still can’t talk. I mean, I know she doesn’t know me, but I’m still scared. She’s looking over here again. What does she want from me?! Peter, don’t-don’t smile back. Look down. Relax. Stay in control. She doesn’t know you and she doesn’t have to. Remember she’s a stranger. That’s right, a stranger. She’s seems nice on the outside…I shouldn’t assume and a book’s cover is a book’s cover. I wished I was so frightened to speak. I wish I could just let myself be at ease. I hate the sound of silence! I sure, I mean, she must see me shaking inside and she’d nev…Oh, I don’t know. I make things so difficult for myself sometimes, don’t I? Hmmm the magazine seems to interest her more anyway.
It’s almost 3:30. Oh, what could be taking them so long? I might as well use the toilet now. All I need is a quick glance in the mirror and I’ll be all right. There I am. God my eyes are red! What’s this? A little dirt, I see. I guess it’s the janitor’s day off. Ooh, the water’s warm! Soothing though. Now come on Peter, look alive. Wake up! You’re not such a good-looking person, but at least you’ve got a clean face. That’s right sergeant he’s got a clean face. Please sir, let me go free. All right son, but never do it again. I promise. But seriously, um…if I were you I would…Y-e-s? Ha ha. No, tell me, tell me. Well, I would…um…well, I just would. Wouldn’t you? Oh never mind, never mind. You’re so impossible deal with ! Do you mind, I’m a dignitary! I hold a high place in society, you know. I am so sorry, sir, excuse my rudeness then. Very well, now may I adjourn to
the banqueting room, you do know how much I enjoy banquets. Indubitably. Yes yes hello there yes how awfully nice of you to come yes hello. Wonderful decor, don’t you think? Just marvelous. Oho my face…I need a towelette. Very well then I shan’t see you fine ladies and gentlemen until next time we meet. Good morrow to you all.
Shit. Looks like I missed my turn, that girl’s gone in. Shit. I guess it’s back to sitting and waiting again. All alone. The silence is deafening now. It gives me a such an eerie feeling. Seems like someone could creep up and behind you and….ooh! Emptiness, nothingness that’s what it feels like. Won’t someone save me from this ?! But who?! No one, right. I’m all I’ve got. Well, I guess it could be worse, at least I’ve got someone to talk to. Ha ha. And he’s such a wonderful person too, so agreeable. I am not! What? You want to make me out as liar. Heavens no! See, what did I tell you? I still hate silence though, its stillness is brutal. I become a statue. Those empty spaces to be filled. It’s a threat to my existence. Silence…it’s a whole separate world than my own. I don’t want to go back there, ever. I don’t want to have to stay there. It always tries to get inside me. Calm, Peter, remain calm. It won’t take control, no, it won’t take control…of me! Now, this is funny, isn’t it? Now…Stop it! Peter, relax! Please! I can’t…Please! Thank you.
Mm mm mm mm a grand piano to prop up my mortal remains….Peter, that’s me! Oh, thank god thank god! Let’s see, she said down this hall and turn right and it’ll be the last door on the right. Hmm Hmm here we are. His office looks quite frightening. It’s so dark and menacing. Mom said that he wanted to talk to me. Just talk. She knows I don’t like talking. She said it was just an appointment. So, what does he want from me? Mom Says that he’s suppose to help me. Help me with what? I’m fine…I don’t understand. He’s out to get me too, isn’t he? Mom didn’t tell me everything because she knew. She knew I’d be scared to go and I wouldn’t have…Calm, Peter. But but he’s going to hurt me. I know he will. Now now calm down. He’s going to ask thousands of silly questions. I know he will. Peter! He’s going rip right through me. Insensitive bastard! Now Peter! He will, I swear. They all do. They all want to tear me apart, poke me and prod me like I was some kind of circus freak. Why can’t they just leave me alone?! That’s all I want! I know, I’ll just lie still and not move a muscle. Then no words can get in the way. Here he comes….a statue, Peter, a statue.
My childhood? Why does he need to know about my childhood? It’s got nothing to do with who I am now. I’ve totally blocked it out anyway. But he’s right, I’ve never really got along with my parents. I mean, yeah, mom was kind to me, but let’s be honest, she really didn’t understand me and dad was just hopeless. No, I won’t answer you! Why should I? You’ll just twist my words. Yeah, right. Don’t just sit there pretending you care. What do you know about me? Nothing. Past reports of illness? Huh…What? They’re all the same. What’s that? That file looks thicker than before. Is that all about me? No, I am not a mute! It’s just that I’ve got nothing to say to you. Why should I let a complete stranger into my personal life?! Would you like me to ask you questions like this?! What have you to do with me?! Why don’t they just leave me alone?! They always want to get inside you. They always want to tear and rip at you. All they do is dig. I am all right! Damn you! My mind…You don’t impress me with your fancy words! Why can’t you just leave me be?! I know where I’m at! I know who I am!
Oh, my head! The doctor looks angry with me. This always happens. They never understand. Mom, why does it hurt so much? What’s he going to do to me? I’m sure He’ll…But, I can’t speak now. My head is swimming with pain. It’s too much…just too much. Like I’m being torn apart from the inside out.
Who’s he phoning? Mrs. Ettimus. Huh? Mom?! Why?! Of course I’m not responding, mom! What did you expect?! I’m not baring my soul to a complete stranger! What’s he got to do with me?! What?! Keep me for a while?! Huh…What?! Why?! Tests?! What kind of tests?! Mom, don’t let them take me away?! Don’t let them keep me here?! I’m sorry, mom, please, I’m sorry! Mom! Don’t let them hurt! I don’t like this, mom, I’m scared! Mom! Please!
Th-this room’s e-even colder and m-more frightening than the last. I wonder w-what their g- going to-to do with me, now? These whi-white walls are al-almost blinding. Feels like I-I’ve been h-here for hours. Th-they will come back for me…w-won’t they? It’s s-s-so lonely in here. It s-s- seems like I’m al-always alone…in s-silence. I g-guess this-this is s-some sort of bed-bedroom. Wh-what am I waiting-waiting for any-way? Is-is this one of th-their tests? I-I hope mom comes s-s-soon. Stop sh-shaking, Peter! F-four walls. No win-windows. A dress-er and a bed. It’s s-so st-sterile and empty. I can’t stop-stop shaking! Th-thank god th-there’s a light. Try to lie down Peter. Th-that’s probab-probably a g-good idea. Relax, Peter. Okay, I’ll-I’ll try. There you go. Much better.
I g-guess it’s still night-nighttime. They-they haven’t come for m-me yet. M-mom, how how could y-you let th-them take me away?! How c-could you leave m-me with strang-strangers?! They’ll h-hurt me! I-I know they will! Mom! I love y-you! Why have you re-rejected me?! Why are y-you letting them do these th-things to me? D-don’t y-you care?! I’m-I’m scared, mom! I d-don’t want th-them to hurt m-me! Don’t let-let them tear m-me apart! Please, mom! I ne-need you! I ca-can feel the deaf-deafening silence m-m-more than ever. Mom, pl-please come and and g-get me!
What’s that?! Someone’s coming? Mom, is that you?! Thank you thank you thank you! I’m here! Mom, over here! Oh, how delightful, it’s just the doctor and two others. What do you guys want?! Hey, careful! You don’t have to grip my arm so tightly, you know. I’m human and fragile just like the rest. But naturally, you wouldn’t be aware of that. Ow! Please! Calm down, Peter. Everything will be all right. Okay okay. Where are you taking me anyway?
Another white room? At least this one has a large window in it. Or is it a mirror? Now what? They’ve just left me here in this big, empty room. What do they expect me to do? Hey, doc, what am I suppose to do in here? Stare at the walls? Hello? Anybody there? I can see myself in the glass though…So, how do you like being put in an empty room all by yourself? Well, it’s not exactly my cup of tea, but, you know, it’s not that bad. Why? Well, I can still live and breathe. You don’t seem to be living to well…I mean, look at this place, it’s empty. I suppose that’s true, but I’m still happy. Happy? How? I get to spend a lot of time with you. Ah, that’s sweet of you…thank
you. Come, let me show you around me humble home. This way, please. Here, in this corner lies the Thinker of Wisdom. She spends most of her time in deep contemplation. Trust me, there’s no use talking to her ..I don’t think she listens. And to her right sits the Artist of Time. He is perpetually lost and only a figment of what we really see. His portraits are beautiful, but they lack strength. I tried to look over his shoulder once but lost my balance and nearly destroyed al his work. And to the left you will find a rather lovely lady….We call her Beauty. Her pleasing features were so incredible that she was made into a statue to be left in this stillness forever. Forever a vision of loveliness. I find her quite attractive, don’t you? Of course you do. Then last and certainly not least to her left stands Love. But the corner is empty, you say. That’s quite true. Then how do I know if Love stands there? Simple. It is more of a feeling than a figure. Can’t you sense it? I can. It’s warm. Yes, quite warm. I often go to that corner and curl up in her arms. Then why am I crying? I…I…really don’t know. I really don’t know.