In Tallinn’s mid-afternoon there was no sun. There were only dim shadows which painted the city in cold grayness. Henry stood on an empty railway platform anxious to move on. The last five weeks in Helsinki had left him emotionally drained. He felt used up, spat out, dead. All he wanted to do now was put the past behind him. Forget her, what he did and start again. All of which seemed impossible.
Platform six was completely exposed to the wind. The large, unattractive clock stared down at him. It was two hours before his train was due. Henry hoped, on the off-chance, it would arrive early so he could crawl inside and crash before it left the station. He could barely keep his eyes open as it was.
It started to rain.
Henry felt the drops smack against him. “Typical”, he muttered to himself. He couldn’t even wait where he wanted to. Reluctantly, he dragged himself inside.
Signs and notices dotted the station’s walls. Henry understood neither Estonian nor German, so they weren’t much use to him. Everything just looked like violent scrawls of young schoolchildren. All he could decipher was wagon and the times of the train. But this didn’t bother him at all because he knew which one was his. Pulling the ticket out of his pocket, he decided to triple-check the information. Praha. Yes. 17:17. Yes. Platform 6. Yes. Compartment. He searched the ticket. Nothing stood out. I guess I’ll just sort that out when I get on the train, he thought.
Solemn faces surrounded him. Everyone looked as though life had never offered them a moment’s happiness. Not sad, beyond that. It was more like they had a deep-rooted sense of misery and to show any sign of joy would be unheard of. Henry imagined them shunning the citizen who dared to smile in public. Perhaps there would even be a law to ban such a behavior. The punishment eluded him, since death would probably be a welcome alternative.
Henry’s spirit lightened a bit. Playing on someone else’s misery always gave him a momentary sense of superiority. He knew he could escape this city. He knew he had a choice. Most, if not all Estonians, would live and die here. They’d never see more than few surrounding villages, or Latvia, if they were lucky. Henry grimaced. At least he could move on. At least he would have the chance to live life beyond simple survival. Estonians were trapped. Complacency would never let them go.
The downpour turned into a light sprinkle, so Henry went back outside with his bag and rucksack. An old, rusted awning kept the majority of wetness away. A dull, gray sky still hung over him. Henry searched the clouds for a sign of the sun. No. Estonians couldn’t afford sunlight. The platform was still empty, except for a few railway workers that milled about. Everything was quiet.
Henry thoughts drifted off. He saw a bed. The soft sheets pulled up around him. The firm mattress below. He saw himself sleep, peacefully, for once. He sensed the rise and fall of his chest. He could nearly feel his muscles loosen their grip and go limp. Deep, soothing sleep was slowing consuming him. Restful. Quiet Sleep.
A sudden screech of brakes broke the spell and he was back the conscious world. Henry squinted over at platform six. No, not there yet. The sound came from a commuter train arriving from Saint Petersburg. The departing passengers seemed to a slight air of sophistication about them. Women wore old furs and men to-the-knee leather jackets. Some exited the train with what appeared to be a look of disgust, while others simply kept their faces to the pavement. Each individual had their own story to tell. Henry could almost see their personal histories unfold by the way they carried themselves, or their facial expressions, or by the way they handled their parcels or each other. Henry couldn’t imagine many of them actually wanting to come back to Tallinn and if they did, it was to boast about experiences in the outer world. They’d feel it was their duty to remind others that something was better than this.
“Yeah, there’s got to be something better than this,” Henry mumbled aloud, laughing through his nose.
But what? It seemed like his whole life had always been a series of journeys. Going from one place to another. Looking. Searching. Coming up empty and moving on to the next. This
included relationships. He ran into them, seeing his lover as the safe haven for his weary soul. He demanded the impossible from them and, naturally, was disappointed. Time and time again. This was why Henry had left Helsinki. This is why he had left her. But this time he had seen it coming. He had seen himself determined to jeopardize their love before it could blossom. It was as if Henry didn’t want it to work out or he was too tired to make the effort. She wasn’t there to save him. Deep-down he knew that. In the end he’d lost patience with her and stomped away, leaving her confused and him spiteful.
A tear trickled down Henry’s cheek. He knew now that all his anger had been misdirected. He hadn’t intended to hurt her. She tired her best to understand him, but he was insatiable. He resented the fact that he had been so incredibly selfish. She didn’t deserve that. She was always forgiving. This had made him even more irritated with himself. Why couldn’t he escape this vicious circle he seemed to always find himself in? Why does everything seem to take so much work? Why couldn’t he just let go? Why were the battlements around his heart so impenetrable? The more he tried to answer these questions, the more his head ached with ‘I don’t know, I don’t know’.
Henry focused again on the platform. Through the rain he saw a large, metallic shadow. His train had finally arrived.
“Thank God!” He said sharply. It was just under an hour early.
Hastily he made his way over and despite the constant drizzle managed to find his car with no trouble. Now a bed. It returned to forefront of his mind. Yes, the sanctuary of a bed. All his thoughts focus on this and this alone.
Henry set his bags down just inside the train and maneuvered his way down the passageway. The only two people on the train were two ladies smoking and chatting in what he could only guess was the porter’s compartment. Both were absorbed in talk and took no notice of him. As Henry came to each compartment door, he found the same scrawls he had seen in the station. His eyes shifted back and forth from his ticket to those markings. He couldn’t make a single logical connection between them.
That set him off.
“Oh, what’s the fuckin’ point?!” He growled to himself and marched back to his bags. Rage he had been holding back barreled thought him.
All I want to do is sleep! Henry’s thoughts churned away again. That’s all I want! Just sleep! Fuckin’ sleep! Is that too much to ask? He could feel himself shaking. I’m going crazy! I swear I’m going crazy! Give me a fuckin’ break! All I want is a bed! A bed, for Christ’s sake, just a fuckin’ bed! He was on the verge of tears.
Ah, fuck it!
Henry snatched up his bags one at a time and hauled them down the corridor, tossing them violently into the first empty compartment. There, that’s done.
His rage subsided.
His body calmed.
His thoughts became fluid again. A realistic alternative came clear.
“Perhaps I should ask them if this where I ought to be?” Henry asked himself.
He made his way to the compartment where the two ladies were. The sound of their talk echoed down the passageway. The door was still open. Henry just outside uncertain of what to say first. The two ladies prattled on. They took no notice of him. Seconds passed slowly. Henry knew he would need to interrupt, but how. They never stopped long enough. There was only one choice.
Henry coughed loudly and a blinding silence fell as both ladies turned to face him. He offered a clearly nervous smile. They scowled back. His smile became more exaggerated. Their expressions didn’t change. Henry showed his ticket to them as a sort of peace offering and the ladies simply looked over at one another and exchanged a few words. Henry tried to mouth something like “compartment” but they were past listening.
One of the ladies lunged at Henry, pushing him back away from the doorway.
What the…?
Before he could regain his footing again, she was at him again. This time shouting at the top of her lungs. He stared at her. She was a little woman, but her pushes and jabs came quickly and forcefully. He stumbled back towards the entrance of the carriage.
Why the hell was she doing this? Hell if he knew. All he did know was that she was determined to throw him off the train and he was having none of it. This was too bizarre. Too unreal.
Henry lodged himself in the threshold of the carriage. His outstretched hands gripped tightly. He wasn’t going anywhere. The woman glared at him with eyes full of fury. Her Estonian rantings grew louder and louder. Henry tried to fend her off as best he could without losing footing or position. But she was relentless – pushing and now pinching. All this confusion was too much for him. Sweat poured down his brow. His mind became a storm – building and growing – with power. He was now at the mercy of his pent up pain and frustration. Every hurt boiled inside him, tearing away at what was left of his sensibilities. He had no strength to fight such a wave of delirium. All he could see now was that she was the enemy and she was going to pay.
Henry grabbed hold of her shoulders and shoved her back as hard as he could. The woman’s body smacked against the floor with a loud bang. Henry shook inside. He felt powerful. He felt invincible. The woman shielded herself from his next blow. Henry simply gave her a fiery stare. She backed away from him. He crept closer. She looked around for someone or something to help her. Henry enjoyed this. He enjoyed watching her suffering. He enjoyed watching her fear. She was completely in his control.
“What do you want from me?!” Henry shouted. “All I wanted was my fuckin’ compartment number so I could go to fuckin’ bed! Is that too much to ask for?! HUH?! You fuckin’ bitch! What have I ever done to you?! HUH?! All I did was ask you a fuckin’ question! I wasn’t going to rape you, for Christ’s sake! If the fuckin’ number had been on the fuckin’ ticket, I would’ve fuckin’ bothered you! But your fucked up country doesn’t want to do that!”
He knew she didn’t understand a thing, but Henry was too full of rage to care.
She shouted back, not at him, but to the other woman who was now coming up the passageway. The other woman threw her arms around her and offered what must’ve been words of comfort. She then turned to Henry and gave him a piercing stare.
Henry still felt powerful, still felt in charge.
“Oh no! Not you too! Fuck you! She was out of her fuckin’ mind! I wasn’t trying to hurt her! I just didn’t want to get thrown off the train for no fuckin’ reason! What do you damn people want from me? I just want to get some sleep! Some fuckin’ sleep!”
She paid no attention to this. She simply drew the other woman to her breast and whispered close to her ear. The injured woman listened intently and occasionally pointed at Henry.
He could feel his power slipping.
A third woman entered the carriage. The two women cried out to her. Their voices were filled with anger and accusation. Within the garbled words Henry heard something that sounded like police. Henry froze. The third woman ran off quickly. Henry wanted to run too. Somewhere. Anywhere. But his body froze solid. The storm in his mind was beginning to ebb as it was replaced with panic.
The third woman returned with two military-clad policemen behind her. Now he really wanted to run. He could see it all. No one there to defend him. No one there to back his story. They’d just lock him away. For who knows how long. Henry still couldn’t move.
The police approached Henry directly. From their talk he understood that they must’ve been asking him about what happened. Henry explained as he could with his words, along with various hand signals and body gestures. The policemen looked at one another. Their expressions clearly showed that he had failed. The woman Henry had pushed jumped in at this point, screeching out some kind of highly-emotive story. The police didn’t seem all too impressed with what she had to say either. It was then that the other woman added her two cents. While doing so, passengers started entering the carriage. Each seemed to offer Henry a condemning stare. In desperation, he tried to overpower the woman’s voice with pleas for his life, but he was completely ignored.
A passenger emerged from one of the nearest compartments and came right up to Henry. She asked, “Can I help you?’
Henry stared at her, speechless. Either he was stunned by the sudden sound of English or it may have been the fact that someone in this town actually wanted to help him.
“Excuse please, can I help you?” She tried again. “Oh, yes please! Yes, you may certainly help me!”
Henry told the woman the story with no shame or false humility and she listened attentively. “I will translate,” She said, pointing at a policeman.
Henry beamed and thanked her profusely.
He listened with anticipation to her strange speech. He accent took on a sort of otherworldly as she spoke. It seemed to dance and move about the carriage gracefully. Henry knew that it must’ve been sympathetic. He was sure it would win over the policemen.
The policemen turned to Henry. They both offered him a painful smile. He smiled back. Then there was a very awkward silence. Henry tried desperately not to read too much into it, but this was close to impossible. Finally, one of the policemen leaned over to my ‘translator’ and said something. She nodded her head. The two policemen then left the train.
She told Henry, “Don’t worry, it’s okay now.”
This hit him like a sucker punch. Clearly, it was good news, but it left so much unexplained. He tried not to sound frustrated.
“Thank you, but what do you mean okay? What was that all about?! I mean, what exactly happened here?”
“They said it was okay” was her only reply. “Huh? But…”
Henry never finished that sentence. He could see the futility of it. He simply thanked the woman again for her help and went to the compartment where he had left his things. Once there, Henry locked the door firmly and crawled right into bed.